In Honor of "The post I hate to write"

There is a lovely young woman in my running group (Marathoner in Training) who has a blog I follow called Words to Run By.  In a recent blog post she shared about her struggle with self-confidence and her battle with weight loss.

Her words gave me the courage to share my own struggles.  Looking at me you see regular girl-but I know EXACTLY how Sara feels.  I remember 5th and 6th grade like it was yesterday.  All my little friends were tiny sticks and I was starting to hit puberty.  Gosh, I think I ate everything in sight and would try and eat two lunches if I could!  Of course, as luck would have it-my height has stayed pretty much the same, but I remember going to the doctor and being in 'the triple digits.'  It seems so silly now but I think what was more upsetting was the impact it's had on my mind set!  Suddenly I was aware of differences (physically) between myself and others.  Those differences made me second guess myself and question my own worth.

Most recently I have gained a little weight (THERE I SAID IT)  A life of full-time job, plus ABD (doctoral candidate) plus any other work, plus the assumption that somehow I can eat all the same things as my husband.  All the running in the world is not going to keep the weight off if I keep eating fast food, junk food and sitting like a desk jockey all day!.

I know this and I am working on it, but it all came to a head last weekend.  I was signed up for Last Chance for Boston Half marathon and was really dreading it.  The added weight has slowed me down some and I feel awkward.   So...I haven't really been running as much lately. Plus I am self-concious in my running gear.  When I woke up that morning I had a HUGE panic attack!!!

I felt sick, I was nervous....all I could  think of was- NO WAY! I am NOT going out there, in public.  So- I laid down and fell back asleep.  Later that morning when I woke up, my husband and I were going to go to breakfast, he voices his concerns.  The look on his face made me burst into tears.  Poor DH was horrified.

Was it a little irrational?  Probably, but gosh I just felt so-low.  And I didn't want to run, I didn't want to go out- NOTHING!

DH and I started lifting weights again and slowly it's helping me get my confidence back.  It's something else for me to track- how much can I bench press this week?  Plus, I get looks of admiration because other than a couple of fitness diva's I'm usually one of the only chics who regularly hits the free weights.  The gents have been giving me space in the weight room :)

It's also helping me a bunch when it comes to building my confidence.  Do I have a little extra padding to lose?  Yes, I do-but the body is an amazing thing and it will do what you ask of it if you treat it right.

So, slowly I am trying to re-train my brain.  I am trying to look at the big picture of life.  Change is slow, but slow change is permanent change.

So, yes Sara- I know how you feel.  It's a battle everyday.  Some days just plain suck.  Other times I feel on top of the world.  I try to remind myself that this is it.  This is the body I was born with, no I really didn't choose it, but I admire it for all the things it's done for me.  Other days I hate it!!!  In a society where conformity is valued and diveristy is demonized it's easy to fall prey to self-loathing.  Don't forget that you are a powerhouse, and the fact that you WANT it and you WORK everyday to do better...well, my friend, the battle is half won :)

See you on the trails!